I can see it when I am talking to people. Their desire to walk away, ignore or even just shut me down.
Maybe it is their perception of me, my style of clothing, my often stuttered speech or my scouse speech. Whatever it is, there are many reasons to write me off.
Or maybe everyone is nice and I am just an over thinker.
However, you should always bet on me. So far, through, hard work, some degree of support and in many cases sheer arrogance I have succeeded up until this point in life - however the difference between education and working life is a jump far greater than I ever perceived.
First year of university I was overwhelmed and the final grade did not occur to me, a pass was a pass as I was lucky to even be here. Second and third year - I kicked it up a notch, got focused, done the work and over achieved when I compare myself to the little S.O.B that existed in school and sixth form.
However, people have seen something in me, a spark that I see also. Despite this, there is the equally strong voice telling me I am not smart enough for this, I am not ready, I cannot do this. When in reality I don't even know what I am capable of.
So far into my internship at a digital media company I have succeeded as best I can - doing something that I never thought I will, but that is the thing - I never thought I would, because I never wanted to.
My end goal is to produce content for a platform willing to pay me to do so, and I am constantly comparing myself to others who do this professionally; wondering if I was ahead of where they were at this age.
I am 22-years-old and work for a highly respected sports media company, surely I am at a higher rung than others right?
Working in this industry, I am forever in awe of the ability of editors, sound specialists, producers and directors - while wondering if I could ever possess similar talents, (I know someday I will) yet in the moment without yet knowing I am constantly doubting myself.
When I first started this placement, I made a list of every area I wanted to learn including Camera Operations for Studio and Outside Broadcast, lighting, sound and how it works, photoshop, premiere pro, improve journalistic questioning, pick back up with martial arts, language skills, read one classic book, elocution and learn about content strategy.
High expectations.
In the list above I have probably succeeded in around six of those, with a month to go and a whole 2019 a head of me, I often struggle to breathe when I study something I don't understand and wonder if it is my genetics that have put me at a disadvantage.
Despite any excuses I come up with, I know I am smart, energetic, insightful and still learning and all of this will help me in the future. September to August was always going to be a learning year for me, and I am a head or at least on track of where the realist thought I could be.
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